This week I had the chance to check out a documentary called Match and Marry:
A Jewish girl's nightmare
A fresh look into the ancient tradition of matchmaking. It was being screened at my local synagogue and was introduced by the Rabbi whose own marriage was a result of matchmaking. (Brave man.) The documentary is about modern day matchmaking within the orthodox community with a primary focus on New York and Los Angeles. Now I myself am not too familiar with the custom of matchmaking so I went into this screening interested to learn more about it. And boy did I....
The whole process of matchmaking is fascinating. I have always had this idea that matchmaking was where you have a third party, usually an older lady with cats and a Hungarian accent, who knows two people she thinks might be good for each other and introduces them. They then get married whether they like it or not.
I was so wrong! But seeing as Fiddler on the Roof was my only prior knowledge of matchmaking, you can't really blame me. I mean, I always had this idea if you ever got involved with a matchmaker she would set you up with an old butcher.
Turns out the process is not like that at all. In these modern times, (2010 people, 2010..) and mainly in the orthodox communities where men and women don't go out in social settings ie, bars, clubs, or parties...it's hard to meet people with whom you share common interests (if you're single, I am sure you already know this firsthand!) And with the end possibility of marriage? Yeah, good luck with that one!
Can I just say that even when you are going out to bars and parties, it still feels near impossible to find love, just look at my stories! But it's a catch 22, if I stayed home, I'd meet less creepy men, sure, but only because I wouldn't be meeting anyone at all.
Enter the matchmaker. Here's how it goes: a man or woman goes to a matchmaker, and yes there are modern day matchmakers! You fill out some paperwork telling the matchmaker what you want in a mate. (I am guessing this constitutes a lot of paperwork.) This method of matching people up ultimately leads to marriage and children, which of course is why it is so important to the orthodox community.
A dime a dozen.
The film features several matchmakers who shared their experiences and stories with the audience. My favorite story, which seemed to keep coming up among many of the matchmakers, was the fact that most men come to them asking for a Marilyn Monroe type who studies Torah.
Well luckily there's plenty of those! So one of the matchmakers told her client: Uh, have you looked in the mirror lately?
The man thought this over and responded: "Well...did Marilyn Monroe have a sister?"
I suppose we must give him props for trying.
I found it truly amusing. Even deeply spiritual, Torah educated men still want the blond haired blue eyed buxom bombshell (with a Torah in hand.) If only we could have it all....
Another part of the matchmaking experience which was new for me was to hear how in control both parties are of the process! So you're a woman and you go to your matchmaker and tell them what you are looking for. First they do a background check on you, and then when they find potential matches they do background checks on them as well, and then they send you the info. One of the matchmakers said "Nobody wants to go out with an ax murderer!"
I don't know...I mean, when the pickings are really slim....(kidding, kidding!)
From there the next step is to decide who you would most like to go out with. Then you meet, usually in a public setting such as a restaurant, hotel lobby, or a coffee shop. The first time
you meet is generally when you just talk about common things, nothing formal or inquisitive, because you pretty much know most of that stuff already. (So incredibly convenient.)
If you fancy the guy you can choose to go out with him again, and if you don't like the guy, its back to the drawing board. You're not stuck with the match the rest of your life. At this point I began to find the whole process as quite brilliant.
Michael Buble - Total Dreamboat!
Traditional matchmaking has also spawned several online sites.
Places like Match.com and eharmony.com are somewhat derived from the matchmaking process. They allow you to decide which information to share with people and based on that, you are shown people whom you will likely do well with. (For example, if I signed up, I am guessing they would tell me that I would do well with a Mr. Michael Buble. And that would be correct.)
If you are looking for something more specific as most Jews are, you can sign up with places like sawyouatsanai.com or beshert.com. First they ask you extensively about who you are and what you are looking for, Then your profile is sent to several matchmakers who look through other profiles and send potential matches your way.
When I asked if matchmaking was something specific to the orthodox movement I found out it isn't! Almost all branches of Judaism have their own brand of matchmaking, so if you're curious (like I might be,) all you need to do is look online.
In this day and age and with my recent experiences (aka disasters) with men, I think the process of matchmaking is very professional and smart. You guys should definitely check out this documentary if you can!
And if you're determined to find a serious relationship, and you are sick of running into creeps down at the pub, you can find more information at matchandmarry.com without having to leave the safety of your own home. :)
One other hilarious tip from the matchmaker herself was to volunteer at retirement homes and convalescent hospitals. She pointed out most of the people there have grandchildren or great-grandchildren at home and grandparents just love setting up their grandkids!
Unfortunately the problem with this is that many wonderful grandmas will tell you that their grandson Milton is a handsome athlete with a deep love for animals and a passionate dedication to the acting profession. Upon meeting Milton you discover that what she didn't tell you was that his sport of choice is arm wrestling, he has a piranha named Kong that he cuddles with every night, and the only acting he has ever done was playing a corpse on Days of Our Lives. What a catch...
At any rate, checking out the documentary was the highlight of my week. If only the same could be said about the last 'date' I went out on. You know something is off when the other person starts fidgeting and complaining that they they don't sell alcohol at Starbucks.
