Hello lovely readers. I see you are back for more. I don't know if you are ready for my next installment. This one is quite an interesting one, to say the least. Now just to clarify, I want to remind all of you that all the stories I write, will write or have written, are all true. They are very true. I can understand why some would think there is no way all these stories can happen to one person. But they do. I have no imagination and there would be no plausible way for me to make stuff like this up. With that said...

Last week I told you that I am so far gone that I have been making up dates with old crushes, right? If that is not a divine sign saying 'seek help' then nothing is. I listened and went to a Friday night Shabbat service at a local synagogue. Now this is a fairly large service that serves the entire community and it's a hot bed for Jewish mating rituals. Sounds sexy, I know.

After the Shabbat service, people have different options as to how to spend the rest of their evening. This time they included a Q&A session with the great minds of different world religions, an open mic night featuring pianists, singers, and poetry about cats, and the final option was the piece de resistance: a young singles meet and greet.

Guess where I went? That's right. I went to the open mic night and sang "Sunrise, Sunset...I knocked 'em dead...the end.

Just kidding!

I went to the meet and greet. I am pretty sure that Jews have a theory that if you put 20 and 30 somethings in the same room with food and wine they will pair up like on Noah's ark. (I hear Isaac and Rebecca met each other this way.)

Now this is great in theory, but that is not how the real world works. I know you know this. So then they figured that if that doesn't work, a special event should be held to motivate young lovers! And that's what they set up that night. They had their own unique version of speed dating. And by the way, I cannot believe I am publicly admitting this story, but that is how special you all are to me.

"Oh my goodness, Natalie, you have to go!" Natasha says to me with a gleam in her eye. (I hate it when she gets that gleam.)

"I'm not going in alone." I reply. Firmly.

"Well I can't go, I have a boyfriend," quips Natasha.

Like Johnny cares, I think to myself. Besides he's not even here! And I don't blame him.

"That's fine. But I am NOT going in alone Natasha."

"But it's so cool! You've never speech-moosed before!"

The Speech Moose.

I pause. "What?"

"You've never speech-moosed!"

I stare at her suspiciously. "How much Kiddush wine did you have?"

"None. Don't change the subject. Go speech-moose!"

"Natasha, WHAT are you saying?"

She points at the sign on the door that in bold letters says: "SPEED SCHMOOZE."

"Natasha. It's speed. Schmooze." I articulate for her. Ugh. I cringe just saying that.

"I said speech-moose!" Natasha slaps me on the arm. "You have to Natalie! Your SOULMATE could be in there!"

He better not be. I glance into the room. Sure enough, all the good looking guys are outside, with their girlfriends.

"I'm not going."

"Natalie, even if you don't meet your soul mate, it will be a good experience."

"No."

"Yes! What do you have to lose?"

Let's see... perhaps the remainder of my sanity? "No."

"You wanted a way to meet new people! And anyway, you don't have to take it seriously!"

I hate Natasha. Hrmph. I go in.

You know it's a bad sign when there are more girls than guys and there is a Russian granny literally dragging men in by their ankles to fill up the empty seats. I'm certainly in for an adventure.

I don't have the room in this blog or the personal strength to share every horrific detail of the evening, but I will proceed with the highlights.

They finally get enough guys to fill the last row of chairs, the row I am sitting in. I am now sitting in front of Elijah. No, not the prophet, but the grad student from Massachusetts, who studies photon recreation. Yeah I have no idea what that is either. But he seems really pleased with himself. In fact he seems a little too pleased. Why won't he stop smiling? This is a bit creepy.

*whistle blows*

Oh good. The whistle means it is time to change seats. But.. he isn't getting up. Uh... he's not moving. They really should have explained the rules, because the guy next to him won't move and that is preventing Mr. Smiley Face from moving as well. Oh no. He still wants to talk. About the weather.

"It snows in Massachusetts!"

"Really?" I feign interest.

"Yeah it snows a lot. Do you like snow?"

"No not really. What do...."

"I really like snow. It's cold."

Elijah's handiwork, I am certain.

"Yeah.. that's what I've heard."

"And it's like, really...peaceful. I mean, when you see snow, you just feel good."

OMG. Please kill me. He won't stop talking about snow.

*whistle blows*

HE STILL ISN'T MOVING!

Why me?! Just as the thought of faking food poisoning occurs to me, his friend sitting next to him gets up and says "Hey bro, let's go!"

Elijah looks directly at me and says, "It's not you, really. It's just that, yeah, I'm still in college and I really need a beer right now."

At least he was honest. Thank goodness that's over, I think to myself as I turn to my next potential 'match.'

Oh no. Oh why? How did he get in here? The cut off age was 39...why is the only 50 year old in this place sitting across from me grinning? They checked ID's at the door! What kind of 50 year old has a fake ID? For a moment, I am tempted to call back Elijah. Even snow is better than this.

"Hi" he says coyly. I think I might cry.

"Hello," I respond, and with great effort. "What do you do?"

"I'm a doctor."

A winking doctor, apparently.

"Oh really?" I am trying to be nice. "What medicine do you practice?"

"I'm an eye doctor." (Insert creepy smile here.)

Dramatization. But close!

"Wow, that's awesome. I wear glasses." I point to my spectacles.

"Too bad I don't have a card on me. I could examine you."

OK. I am not sure what he is talking about anymore.

*Whistle blows*

OMG. Talk about saved by the bell. Literally.

"Well it was nice talking to you."

"You too." I am officially dying on the inside as I wonder what could possibly be next. Maybe I should just leave before...oh here comes Keanu Reeves.

Yes, my next suitor had all the personality traits of Keanu Reeves' character from Point Break.

Imagine Keanu's voice...

"So, l like, yeah, I'm like from Washington D.C. Have you like ever like totally been?"

"Yeah I totally have." Oh no. I am resorting to sarcasm.

"Wow, like, that's like totally awesome, I don't, like, meet that many Americans that have like, you know been there."

"I totally know." (AH! Make it stop!)

"And like, it's totally like the nation's like... capitol. So like, I get totally annoyed, when like, Americans haven't like, you know... been.

"Like, yeah."

*Whistle*

Oh like, thank God.

Yum, but come on.

The rest of the evening follows with: Twitchy, the guy who can't sit still and who told me he wants to open a restaurant, where they only sell every flavor of hummus you could imagine. Because hummus is the greatest food known ever to man, and there are just so many hummus options!

OK, I get it. I'm Jewish too. Hummus is awesome. But please shut up.

Then there was the personal injury lawyer who I accidentally offended when I asked if he ever thought of advertising with a mustache on the side of a bus. When he looked me straight in the eye, and said, "No, I haven't thought of that." I knew I was in trouble.

Behind me I hear a rustling in the plastic bushes...its Natasha, trying to get a look at the train wreck going on inside. I want to kill her. She is giggling. I think I will kill her.

"He's cute!" She mouths at me, pointing at the new dude who just sat down.

I glare at her for good measure before turning back to the boy in front of me. I suppose he is cute for a Conan O'Brien lookalike. But why is he standing up?

*whistle blows*

Oh there is a God.

It's over. Everyone slowly clears out, and I notice a lot of the couples who spoke leaving together. Hmm. I hope it works out for them.

Despite my negativity, I was trying to have a good time, really. But by the fourth dud, I was waiting for Tom Bergeron to come out and give me $10,000 for winning the funniest video award. It never happened. It's amazing. You see speed dating in movies, and you think they are exaggerating how awkward and bizarre it all is. But after this experience, I actually think they are minimizing the horrors of it.

I left that night the same way I came in: single, with no prospects on the horizon. It is a tad bit depressing, sure. But hey, at least I gave it a shot. Maybe next time I will try jumping off a cliff. I bet that's easier. No more speech-moosing for me. Ever.

Till next week then... and good news. The theme is game night. ;)