This week I finally caught up with some of my friends. Like most people in LA, my friends are scattered across the city, so the times we get to hang out in a group are few and far between and requires intense planning.

I should probably give a little back-story. I have a good friend, Joshua who I have had a slight crush on since we first met through a mutual friend years ago. (There. Now you know my guilty secret. )

The truth is that I love hanging out with him..he is such a cool guy to chill with. Of course he knows nothing about my constantly changing feelings for him. You see I usually manage to convince myself that I am not attracted to him anymore and that he is just a friend. But then I see him again and I wind up eating my own words.

Joshua has been a serial dater the entire time I have known him and so the timing has never really worked out. Joshua is also the type of guy who never initiates a conversation. I am usually the one sending texts and making calls and leaving facebook posts. He always responds, but initiating? Never.

So when he started sending me text messages...on his own, I was really surprised. We have always got along well, but in the past we would only ever hang out in a group setting. This is part of why I never really had an opportunity to share my feelings with him. (The other part is that he usually has one girl or another hanging on his arm, so it wouldn't have made much of a difference anyway.)

Very sexy indeed.

Despite of all this I still enjoy his company and it blew my mind when I realized that it had been six months since we had seen each other. He just finished the Fire Academy (Mmm. Sexy fireman.) So his schedule has been crazy. When he sent me a text saying 'Hey! We should hang out' I was a little surprised, and very happy.

A few days after that he texted me again asking about my schedule. This was fantastic, but also somewhat strange to me. Joshua has never been the one to plan something like this. Usually it's me or someone else in the group who gets everyone together, so the fact that he kept making a conscious effort to see me was totally out of character! That in itself was thrilling, but hanging out one on one? Even better. We're good friends, as I said, but we never really do the whole one on one thing...

We finally decided to meet up on Monday for Mexican food.

For dinner.

I am in the clouds when I suddenly realize...and I freak out.

Is this a date????

He is being really subtle about it but it seems like he is setting up a date for us!

How exciting!!!! If you only knew the feelings I felt for this guy and how long I have had wanted him to make a move! If you only knew the way he makes me feel when we hang out.... and now this. Wow, it is finally happening! It was so worth the wait! He is being so cute and acting all smooth and casual...and I may or may not have had a couple of daydreams about what a wonderful relationship we were going to have since we had such a solid foundation of friendship.

I call Natasha up to let her know what's going on, and she is totally psyched too! She is totally convinced that he is finally making a move like she told me he would, a long time ago.

My feelings for Josh.

Let's get mushy for a minute. Have you ever had the feeling of knowing that someone you liked, someone you really liked, someone you saw yourself with in the future...feels the same about you? It is AMAZING. Knowing that after all these years with the timing not being right... now, maybe now it finally was!

The night before our date I get a call from my firefighter (He called me, this is such a good sign!) I am so gone at this point that I am smiling at the phone when his name pops up. I cannot even express how excited I am. I mean it has been at least a million years since I went out with someone I was really interested in.

Grinning, I answered his call on the third ring.

 The following occurs between 8:05pm and 8:34pm on a Sunday evening...

"What's up Nat?" He always calls me Nat for short. "How's everything going?"

"Good...just getting ready for our night out." I respond coyly and seductively. (At least, I think that's what I sounded like...)

"Yeah, me too. So we're still on, right?"

"Of course" I reply nonchalantly. (As if all my future happiness did not depend on the following evening.)

"So have you talked to Natasha, or anyone else to see if they can come?"

Um.

Hmmm.

Well this is odd. Why is he asking if others are going to be there?

Why hello confusion, nice to see you again!

I am beyond confuzzled....so this is a group thing?

So, wait. I made it up in my head that this was an actual date?

Great. Now I am imagining my dates. It has been so long, I am now MAKING UP DATES with people. This is what I have become. I am so desperate, I am now making things up!

Unless...

Wait. 

Perhaps it's not so simple. Maybe he just wants everyone there when he expresses his feelings for me! Yes, that must be it. I am not crazy. (This is how women usually rationalize things) But seriously, I mean, what kind of person goes through all this trouble to make a date, does not mention anyone else and then bam! Psych! It's a group dinner. He wouldn't do that...would he? No, he is definitely planning a public proclamation of his love for me. It has to be.

Which, now that I think about it... that's a big step...

OK, definitely nervous now. Maybe backup is a good idea after all.

I found my voice. "No, I haven't talked to anyone yet, but I will call Natasha right now and see if she's free."

"Excellent! Nat I am so excited." (Hah! I knew it.) "It's been such a long time since we've seen each other."

"I know Josh, it's been a while, hasn't it?"

"And I can't wait for you to meet my girlfriend."

"Wha-at?"

"My new girlfriend, Jessica, you can meet her tomorrow night."

I stared at my phone in disbelief and swallowed my tongue all at once.

What the hell did he just say?

"Jessica?" (That was a squeak.)

"Yeah, you'll like her."

"Oh YAY! Right!!! Your girlfriend! Oh my God. Totally! I'm so looking forward to it!!!!" (Why do I turn into a valley girl when I am dying from humiliation???) I bite my tongue, to make sure I'm awake. Ouch. I am. And now I taste blood. "OK! Well I'm going to call Natasha, I'll see you tomorrow."

That was all I could muster out with a weak voice. I hung up.

( Adults with imaginary DATES are extra dumb.)

So I did make it up.

Which means that I am crazy.

No wonder he doesn't want to date me! Who wants to date a crazy person?!

Poor Josh was trying to set up a nice evening with friends and food and give his friends a chance to meet his new girlfriend and I succeed in deluding myself completely.

I immediately call Natasha. I hysterically tell her about my conversation with Josh trying to get feedback. She is totally confused just like I am, so maybe I didn't make the whole thing up in my head. (Which if you're following along closely would mean that I am NOT crazy.) I feel a little better. I tell Natasha that she has no choice but to be at that dinner. She cannot leave me to meet up with Josh and his girlfriend alone.

Natasha and her boyfriend John promise to be there. I was still tempted to call Josh back to cancel, but thinking that might be blowing everything out of proportion, I opted not to.

Monday night comes, we eat Mexican food. All of us. And we meet Josh's lovely girlfriend. I hate her. Which means that I tried to hate her. Truth is, she is really nice and I can't hold it against her. It's not like she knows that she is single handedly standing in the way of all my future dreams. Josh doesn't even know! He and his girlfriend ended up leaving early, so I only needed to save face for so long.

I needed a drink. And my friends love me, so the rest of us head over to the bar we always hang out at, a nice little dive in the valley.

I grabbed my rum and coke, headed out to the porch and as I kid you not, as if my evening could possibly get any worse, our good friend, Jacob the barfly happened to be there too.

A return appearance.

(OK so maybe it's not totally shocking since there is a reason his nickname is 'barfly' but I was so wrapped up in Josh thoughts that I didn't even think of Jacob being there or not...)

Trying to avoid eye-contact with him, I sat down behind a large man. But once Jacob spotted Natasha, the game was up and he knew I was near. Sigh. There it goes. He spots me.

He pulls up a chair beside Natasha and starts telling us about his new girlfriend. Oh thank God. He found someone to keep him company. 

Then out of nowhere, he starts telling me how beautiful I am.

"Thanks." I mutter and pretend to watch hockey.

"No, you're reeeeally beautiful. God you are so hot."

"Thanks."

"I love your hair. Oh my God. Your hair is so beautiful."

I snap back as he tries to pet my head. "See? It's SHINY. Oh my God. You are so hot Natalie."

"Oh yes, that's me."

Jacob ignores my sarcasm and turns to Natasha. "Isn't she crazy hot? Oh my God look at her."

"She is very sexy." Natasha the traitor replied. I stare at her and her stupid Cheshire cat grin. She is obviously enjoying my misery.

"Natalie, you are so beautiful."

"OK JACOB."

He again ignores me and turns to Natasha, asking why things did not work out between him and I. Natasha decided that she was Dr. Phil and began playing mediator, asking him why he thinks things did not work out.

Jacob responded with a very long narrative about what happened on our 'date' and how he felt. I will save you the whole speech, but the highlight was that he felt uncomfortable because there was no alcohol, but he knows that if we had met at a bar, the date would have ended differently. "I have always thought you were so hot." He tells me sadly.

"Jacob, you have a girlfriend, you shouldn't be telling me these things."

"Well what if I didn't have a girlfriend?"

"Jacob, we tried, but it didn't work out for us. You have someone you like now. I think you should stick with her."

"So that's it? You don't want to do it again?"

I try to be gentle, but there is a reason I am not a nurse, I am about as gentle as a bull in a china shop. I think this might put an end to my adventures with Jacob.

"No."

I finished my drink and called it a night. A night from hell. I have now decided that I should try other means of finding suitable matches. Wish me luck...