So I promised you last week that I would tell you more about our dear Jacob the barfly, and I always deliver on my word! This however is not a conclusion of my interactions with him, not by any means. This is more like part two of what seems like an endless Quentin Tarantino movie. If you have ever seen one of his movies you know how long and drawn out they can be. I love Tarantino movies, I really do. (And in my opinion Inglorious Basterds should win the Oscar, but I digress.)

Anyway, Jacob is like a Tarantino film... in that there are many interweaving yet completely separate chapters. Following our 'romantic' coffee date, (which I must say left me a little empty,) I had not heard from in him in probably a month. (Which was fine, really.)

Then one evening I was out for a (very) late night dinner with a good friend of mine. Dalia was visiting from San Diego, and in the middle of our catch-up time, I received a text. From Jacob...

Huh. He still has my number. So all the reasons I made up in my head as to why he never called me flew out the window. I guess his phone wasn't swallowed by a bear while he was backpacking through the Russian Black Forest. Too bad.

The text says: "Hey. Where are you? Can you come over to my place?"

In response to this obviously drunk text at 2AM, I decide to reply kindly.

"No, sorry, I can't."

"Well I want you to come over. I'm lonely and horny."

WOW. Don't I feel special now?

Jacob.

I sigh and show this to Dalia.

Dalia freaks. "Girl! You have to put your foot down and let him know what kind of woman he is talking to!" To emphasize the point she slammed down her cup of coffee, showering us both.

Of course, she was right, I thought as I wiped off my phone. I can't let Jacob think I'm an easy 'ho.' What is wrong with guys these days? I mean, he didn't even buy me my coffee! He had me use his gift card!

I reply with the following: "Listen Jacob. I'm sorry I am not coming over and I am not that type of girl."

There, I thought. Done!

Then the avalanche of 'you misunderstood me texts' come flowing.

"I'm sorry."

"I didn't mean what you think I mean!"

"I just mean, I'm lonely, and I think you're pretty. And I wanted to see you again."

"I didn't mean whatever you think I meant!!!!"

"What did you think I meant?"

Well what could he have possibly meant by all this????

I caved and replied. "I think you wanted me to come over to sleep with you."

"Oh ok. That is what I meant."

Oh golly Miss Molly. Men just know how to sweep me off my feet, don't they?! Is this how the modern day courting process is done? Because at this point I think I could summarize and write a handbook for the whole process.

Step one: meet girl at bar. Step two: ask girl to coffee. Step three: meet girl at coffee shop and hand her money to buy own drink (kinda Pretty Woman-ish...I never did like that movie.) Step four: ignore girl all night by chatting up new woman at same coffee shop. Step five: don't call for a month.... and then the final step...text girl drunkenly at 2am, expressing feelings and desire to sleep with her. Date for 12,000 years. Maybe have a kid or two. Then perhaps marry when kids graduate from grad school.

Really, is this how it's done? I really hope not, but I see the trend rapidly increasing. Most people I talk too lately seem to be 'with people.'

A clearly defined relationship!!!!

I don't know what that even means... "I'm with someone."

Relationships these days are never defined. They seem to be together, or not together, breaking up and getting back together like every 6 months. Moving in, moving out. Sharing joint custody of a dog! I mean really, is this what we have evolved to? This is progress?

I suppose I am a victim of the Disney Princess mythology. You know, no matter where you come from or what your circumstances are, someday your Prince will come and save you from whatever predicament you may find yourself in, i.e. dragons, wicked step mothers, overbearing French men, ill fitting shoes, or bad produce.

I read a statement somewhere, and it said 'Disney lied'... And they did lie! They lied to a whole generation of girls! But we wanted to believe the fairly tales. In fact, I still want to believe them! I also think that in a way, those storytellers wanted young girls to believe that there was someone really special out there for them. And come on, that is a decent thing to want to share with someone, no? Life may not always be easy, but if you hold on, someday you will meet someone worthy of you.

Listening to my inner Disney princess, I held on. I did not respond to Jacob that night.

But that was fine, because the next weekend the same exact thing happened!

On Saturday night, promptly at 2AM, a bunch of drunken texts came rolling in.

I again, did not respond. Ha. Triumph. See? This is major progress!

A couple weeks later and a few days before St. Patrick's Day, (or as a friend of mine likes to call it 'amateur night.') I decided I should make plans. So I sent out a mass email to my entire address book asking what everyone would be doing that night.

The one response that caught my eye was of course Jacob's...

"I'm not doing anything for St. Patricks Day."

This was weird. I couldn't help being slightly intrigued. Being the barfly that he is, I thought St. Patty's would be his favorite day of the year.

I was contemplating probing further when a second text came in.

"I can't really do anything, because I don't know when I will get out of here."

Ok. I should not respond, I really should NOT...but like they say.. curiosity always gets the best of you. Before I knew it I was texting back.

"What do you mean? Where are you?"

"I'm in the hospital....on suicide watch."

Oh dear.

Me.

Like they ALSO say, curiosity killed the cat.

(I am the cat.)

So many things ran through my head at the same time, I'm surprised it didn't fall off. Did I really just read that? It must be a joke!

I ask him if he is kidding.

No. He is NOT kidding. And the texts start pouring in. (Why people are compelled to have full discussions via text I will never know, but there it is.)

It was all a blur. Something about his roommate overreacting and calling an ambulance because of a threat Jacob made to overdose on some pills he was taking. It was all a misunderstood joke, as he put it, but they have to watch him for 48 hrs to make sure he does not die. (Gee, isn't this just HILARIOUS?)

I really could not believe any of this. I was at work when all this drama went down, and I turned to my co-workers to ask what they thought. They thought that he was nuts. Which is saying something because the people I work with are not what most would define normal anyway. And if the weird people think you're crazy... then somethings definitely up. The consensus among the strange was that I should erase his number. They were right, and I did.

Hmm.

I really don't know how to sum up my 'relationship' with Jacob. Sure, he repeatedly declared that he really likes me. Call me crazy...but I just don't find myself attracted to an alcoholic-pill-popping-suicide watching-crazy guy.

Go ahead, call me judgmental.

Ha. Yeah right.

As I said earlier, this is only a chapter. There is still plenty more of Jacob to come, (yes, even more.) But in the meantime, here's to hoping someday my prince will come. And that he is nothing like Jacob.

<--- Click here to read about Natalie's first encounter with Jacob 

Is Natalie's friend her potential prince? Or would that be too easy? -->