As many of you know, last week I shared my experience of "speech moosing" at my local synagogue. So naturally after that beyond mortifying awkward experience, I went back for more!

At least this time the 'theme' was not speech moosing-I mean speed schmoozing. This Shabbat the theme was 'game night,' and boy was it ever.

Niko. (dramatization)

Again I show up with Natasha in tow, hopeful and prepared for a night full of possibilities! We enter a giant room full of somewhat eligible (kind of) young men and I begin to scan the room for possible suitors. But before I have a chance to spot anyone, someone spots us.

Now the only way I can describe this lad is, well... imagine a hobbit with a thick Russian accent. (I'm sorry, but it's true.)

"Chello laydees! I yam Niko, how are you lovely laydees tonight?"

"Oh fine thank you." We both respond and try to move. Quickly.

"Know I am looking for some laydees to make friendz weez and you look like you need friend, yes?" He winks in my direction.

Oh no.

"Well we're flattered, but we are looking for our friends." I lie kindly.

"Oh well, have good night laydees." Niko tells us with a sad look on his face.

The moment he walks away, I burst out laughing. "Oh God, I didn't know hobbits were REAL."

Natasha stares at me. "You are evil. EVIL. Poor guy! So he's short! And... really hairy.. but he could be a really nice guy!"

"Yeah, a nice hobbity guy."

Hmm. Ok. Natasha does not think I'm very funny. On the bright side, at least we dodged a bullet there. See? I have finally learned to cut men off before I end up dancing with them for an hour and a half.

We walk over to the snack table and immediately a cute young man starts making eyes. No not at me, but at Natasha. Of course.

"So... do you ride bikes?" The man asks Natasha."

She looked at him oddly. "Um, no."

"Ohhh... I ride bikes, all the time. Are you going on the mountain biking trip with the temple?"

"No, no I'm not, but have fun with that!" Natasha politely brushes him off. The guy obviously has an unhealthy bike fetish. What could be worse?

He continues smiling at us and mumbles something about taking her for a 'ride' when from the back of the very large room we hear: "NATASHA...is that you?"

Out of nowhere appears an old friend of Natasha's, Shelly. "TASHA! HEY GIRL!!!"

Thank God. Here is our legitimate chance to escape from the cycler!

Shelly comes over and starts talking to us. She is very loud and social and after a few minutes of catching up and exchanging pleasantries, she takes us over to the group of people she came with. First she introduces us to her sister, and her boyfriend and a few more mutual friends from the temple, and then she introduces us to a hobbit with a thick Russian accent. Dear God they're friends! What are the odds?

"Chello again lovely laydees. Long time, see not. How are you be?"

This is uncomfortable. His eyebrows are going up and down rapidly in what must be some sort of banned Russian dating ritual. "Oh we're doing well." I reply and try to turn away. Natasha is talking a mile a minute with Shelly and another guy. I try to join that conversation, but no such luck.

"I yam Niko!"

"Yes. Yes, I remember. Niko." I try to smile.

"You be?"

"Oh! Natalie. Hi."

"I chave problem!" He exclaims.

"What's that?" I ask.

"Well I don't know what I should tell weemen I study at university, when dey ask, because eet ees very boring."

"Well what do you study?"

"Oh no, I not born yesterday on turnip truck." He replies.

I stare at him.

He nods smugly.

I collected myself. "Well OK.... if you want me to help you out, you should tell me what you study so I can help you make it sound interesting."

"No! I yam not telling you!"

OK. Now I'm irritated, why won't he tell me? What could possibly be that boring?

"Well you could just tell people you are a ninja, and that it is a very secretive lifestyle and you cannot talk about it." I tell him dryly.

"Ah yes, dat ees good. I could also say I yam FBI agent, no?"

"But then people will think you are a double agent." I smile.

"I can tell dem I yam Doctor." Niko quips, undeterred.

"Well you could but that would lead to a lot of background questions, like where did you go to school, what medicine do you practice? There are too many questions. I don't think you should say you're a doctor."

"But I could say I podiatrist. Dat ees boring, no one ask qvestions about dat!"

I really should stop talking to this person, but I can't. At this point I'm wondering if he really is studying podiatry. Why would he bring it up? It's boring and creepy.

"If you tell people you're a podiatrist, people will think you have a foot fetish or something."

"I like feet." Niko confirms my thought with a smile.

"Ok."

CREEEPPPPYYYY!

Really, really, really creepy.

He looks at me intensely. "I mean I don't know why weemen paint their toe nails, I think the foot is so byooteeful de way eet looks naturally. Why put the paint on them? I mean eet's like make-up, you don't wear a lot of da make-up, do you?"

"No." I cannot believe I am having this conversation. I just can't.

He is now looking down at my newly polished toenails disapprovingly. "Den why put make up on toes? Eet makes no sense."

OK. It's official. I am now defensive. Just like every other woman out there, I love a good pedicure and a pretty polished set of toes!

"Hey I like my toes to look nice!" I snap at him.

"Chave eet your way."

"Yes, they are MY toes." Oh God. I'm so mature.

"They are very nice feet."

Hmm. This is getting worse.

At precisely the right moment, I drop my cell phone and it shatters into a million pieces. (You know what I'm talking about.) The cover goes one way, the phone another and the battery a third. This was enough to interrupt Natasha and Shelly and everyone drops to the floor to help me look for parts.

I am crawling around looking for my battery which has completely vanished when Niko suddenly exclaims: "I FIND EET!"

He stands up triumphantly and hands me... a piece of confetti.

A piece of confetti no bigger than a pea.

"Uh... thank you. But my battery is bigger than that."

"Nyot battery? We keep looking!"

Acceptable and sexy hobbit.

OK. So he is a nice guy. But that does not change the fact that he is a Russian hobbit with a foot fetish. And you know what? I could handle a hobbity man. Especially if he is like the total dreamboat Samwise Gamgee played by a chubby Sean Astin. But a foot fetish... I'm sorry. That's where I say goodbye.

I found my battery and privately convinced Natasha that we should bail early so I could keep my sanity We said goodbye to Shelly, Niko and the rest of the people there, running off before he could ask for my number. What would that date be like? Would he bring nail polish remover instead of flowers when he picked me up? I'm shuddering just thinking about it.

So let's recap: out of a room of eligible Jewish young studs, I got Niko.

And now my friends want to head back to this synagogue next week, but between this and the speech moosing, I'm honestly not sure how much more I can take.

Till next time then...

 <--- You'll want to read the Speech Moose now
Or read 'He''s Just Not That Into Me?' -->
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