So last week I filled you in on what I've been doing to keep my summer busy... this included me making up a love life with dairy items. This in turn led Natasha to buying tickets to a Jewish singles event here in LA to cheer me up.

Um, I have to be honest - I wasn't really looking forward to a night full of lonely Jewish guys looking for women who reminded them of their mothers, but I'm at a point where I just figure I need to go to as many places as possible to meet people.

When we arrived, we discovered that even though this event was at a very posh hotel in Beverly Hills, judging by the other attendees wardrobe, we were way too overdressed. I mean we both looked amazing in our cocktail dresses, heels and clutches, but almost everyone else was in jeans and sandals.

We had no choice but to wait in a very long line where our first hint at what the night would be like stood right behind us. The tallest man I have ever seen starts rambling about how the last time he was at an event like this there was a similar line but that was only because there was a table of food!

Wow. Fabulous. The most boring opening line I have ever heard, (And believe me, I've heard terrible ones.) This night should be quite entertaining.

Natasha and I make our way into the den of thieves and head straight to the bar. Natasha turns to me and informs me that I have to find someone to talk to.

Great, put me on the spot, why don't you? I huffed a bit, but she's right. I do need to find someone. I order a drink, a strong one. You know why they call it liquid courage right? Well its true. I sip my drink and scan the room for potential interests, only temporarily distracted by the very loud techno version of Hava Nagilah pumping loudly in the room.

I watched in interest as ten people in their twenties, most drunk, many high, all bust out with a techno Horah. We Jews can be so Jewish, can't we? Ah, let the good times roll. I grab Natasha and suggest we head outside for fresh air. And fresh meat.

After pushing through the (largely Israeli crowd) Natasha finds a huge fire pit and parks herself beside it. Most people had a similar idea, and with all the people standing around it feels like at any moment this huge group of single Jews will burst into the chorus of "Kumbaya."

When I tell Natasha this, she ignores me entirely. "Talk to someone. Anyone, just talk to someone!"

"I'm taking my time!" I inform her. "I want to talk to someone I'm interested in, and besides my drink hasn't kicked in yet!"

As I say this, I look up and I see "him." Yes him...my GRANDPA.

For real: He looked like this!

I look over the flames of the fire and see the 2,000 year old man...for real. I really thought there was an age limit for this thing, but apparently not. Of course, I would show up to a party and the first guy I lay eyes on would be the only man who was around with the dinosaurs. He is wearing high-rise white shorts, a mint green shirt tucked in much too tightly and a fisherman's hat. I try to divert my eyes immediately but it's too late, I look over and he winks at me...oh really?! Dear lord why me?!

I grab Natasha and we bolt back inside, her in slight awe of Grandpa. "I know you get some creepy people but that is INSANE. He's 100!" He could be God's older brother!

Finally, someone gets it. As we walk in the opposite direction of Grandpa Simpson, I run straight into Boris. Boris looks like Everybody Loves Raymond's big brother, and is standing tall and broad, holding onto his drink for dear life. Not the most exciting prospect. I turn around quickly and see grandpa waving. Oh no. I march over to Boris and introduce myself. "Hey! I'm NATALIE!"

"Hi. Boris."

Boris

"Hi."

...

Uh oh. Looks like he is not a man of many words. I start up the conversation and then proceed to keep it going. I mean he seems nice enough but he is so quiet and I have to literally pull words out of him. I quickly decided to find another party-friend.

But first another drink.

After I grab a drink, I head back outside to find Natasha. Well, well, well, who is she talking to? A really cute Israeli guy! Way to go Natasha!

I walk over and stand by her. A moment later, I notice another guy who looks extremely similar to the guy Natasha is talking to. He introduces himself and I realize they're brothers! Excellent! I talk to Gilad and Natasha talks to Shai, and halfway through our conversation we switch partners. Both these guys are completely adorable, and we're having a good conversation.

Shai smiles at me. "How do you two know each other?"

"Oh we're cousins!

Natasha and I are by no means cousins. But for some odd reason it has become a habit of mine to tell people we are. It's harmless right?

Shai nods and says: "Oh. OK, from the Israeli side or the British side?"

I freeze. I didn't realize Natasha had shared her heritage with him already. "Ummm."

He smiles encouragingly but I'm at a loss for words. I'm not British OR Israeli! What do I say now? I can't lie to him! What If we end up getting married? He'll never trust me!

"Ummm...the British?" I improvise.

"Oh, ok. So what do you think about Israeli guys?"

"Honestly, they're kind of annoying. Too aggressive."

Oops. Looks like the alcohol has finally kicked in. I quickly try to 'continue' my answer, "but uh, they have their good side... too." I finish, much to Shai's amusement. "What about American guys?"

"Oh they're really annoying too!"

He bursts out laughing. Then he asks me a question that I will be asked several time in the course of the evening, "So... how religious are you?"

I couldn't help but smile to myself thinking it's usually "are you Jewish?" Now it's "are you religious?" I explain my observances and we talk a little more.

Dramatization: Israeli twins

Natasha walks up to me and asks if I'm ready to get going. I nod, but whisper to her: "I think the younger one is really attractive!"

She stares at me. "Natalie, they're twins."

Huh.

"Do you mean the one younger by 30 seconds?"

I couldn't help but laugh with her. I'm not sure how I didn't notice that they were identical twins, but now that she mentioned it - it made sense. We decided to walk around a bit, and just before walking away, Gilad gives Natasha his number. Well that's cool, I think to myself. Then as we turn to leave, Shai grabs Natasha's arm and talks to her for a minute. He gives her his number too.

You have got to be kidding me. Brothers! Twins! I need another drink.

Grandpa, take II

I'm starting to feel sorry for myself when I see Grandpa. Oh no. He's spotted me. I grab Natasha and head over to where the musician in the corner is playing an acoustic version of a Maroon5 song. I'm not sure if it was the alcohol or not, but I thought this man was AMAZING. (Though since then, Natasha has informed me that it was in fact, the alcohol.)

Across the room, I see a gorgeous guy. Natasha follows my gaze and says: "Go talk to him! Go!"

"Maybe." I say, contemplating it. I didn't want to approach him, I wanted him to approach me! But after thinking about it, what could I lose?

I turn to march towards him but notice he is now surrounded by 7 attractive and fawning females. "Great." I mutter. "The one guy I want to talk to and he gets stormed like the crusaders stormed Jerusalem."

Natasha burst out laughing. She handed me back my apple martini and said: "Never mind that. Eat the apple."

"Uh, OK Eve."

She gave me a bemused look. "So when you're buzzed, the Biblical humor comes out, is that it?"

I ignored her and turned back to the most amazing musician on earth who was now playing Elton John. It of course, is amazing. I feel better immediately. As I am head-banging to the acoustic version of "Your Song," a man in a very poorly made toupee and beige suit walks up to Natasha. "I think this is his biggest song!"

Natasha looks at him. "I don't know. He's had a lot of hits."

Toupee man: "Like what?"

Me: "LIKE CROCODILE ROCK!"

Toupee man stares at me oddly. "That's not as big as this song."

Me: "NO, but it's AWESOME."

Natasha is eying me oddly. "I think it's time to go Natalie."

Hmm. Just when I was getting into it.

We walk back towards the fire pit and I literally run into the "Jerusalem" guy I was eying a few moments before. "I'm so sorry!" I say after stepping on his poor foot.

"I'm a Scorpio." He blurts out.

The new introduction

HUH?! I think to myself.

"I'm an Aquarius." I say. It seems like to logical way to respond.

"I just thought I should tell you that." He informs me.

"Good to know! I'm Natalie."

"I'm Tzion."

I freeze, wondering what we can talk about when he turns back to the group he was standing with and I catch up with Natasha who was waiting for me. We make our way down the long corridor, when right in front of me who appears? Come on, I'll give you one guess. If you said 'Grandpa' you get a prize!

There he was AGAIN.

Grandpa - Take 292

What? What? WHY, God? Why me?

Natasha's jaw drops. "Are you kidding me?" She cuts through the crowd quickly and says to a total stranger; "Could we get through please? We're escaping the terrifying grandpa who is stalking my friend."

I start giggling uncontrollably when Grandpa followed us through the shortcut too. Oh no now what?

At that moment I see a really cute tall guy in a fedora and I just start chatting, like I've known him forever. Luckily, he's pretty chatty himself. To avoid Grandpa, Natasha and I keep talking with him, when another good looking tall guy walks over. "So did you drag him down here with you tonight?" I ask.

"Yeah, he's my brother."

"Oh well Natasha and I are cousins!"

I really should stop saying that.

Fedora man (who is a cross between Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller, two of my favorite Jews!) lets me wear his hat and starts telling these horribly funny jokes. None of which I can repeat here, partly because they were raunchy and partly because I was too tipsy to remember them properly. I of course laugh at all his horrible punch lines.

He then looks directly at me, puts his hand in my hair, and says. "You have amazing hair! It's soooo curly, it reminds me of my sister!"

Ohhhh, buzz kill. Who wants to be told they remind them of their sister? Awkward. His brother looks at me apologetically.

Original:with no sister-issues

For no reason whatsoever, I thought this would be an excellent moment to sniff his wine.

"You like that?" He asks me. "That's so hot, I always love it when a girl shoves her nose in my wine glass. It's so sexy."

Time for me to bail!

Natasha silently agrees with me. "Well boys it's been fun, but we have to get going now!" I smile and return his hat.

Fedora gives his number... to Natasha, and we head for the door.

That was one strange and weird night. Lots of hits and major misses. But alas I go home alone and with no numbers of my own.

But that's ok, my Aunt just got me a J-Date account. Oh Joy. Lets see what happens next!

<--- Natalie gets in trouble with her cheesy relationship
On Jewish mothers and J-Date --->
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