I think it is obvious to everyone that I have not had much luck finding guys I can go out with right? And by go out with, I mean go out with and not lose my sanity.

So I decided to turn to my friends for help. My dear, sweet, good-hearted, friend Natasha (ahem) suggested that I e-mail some good friends of mine asking them to basically set me up with anyone they know that might be good for me. Her theory was that these are people who know me and care about me, so therefore they would not hook me up with any losers, nose-pickers or serial murderers. Sounds promising, right?

A few people actually wrote back. One of my friends, Hadassah, responded with a few names of guys she thought I might be good with. A few of the names I recognized either because I had gone out with them already, or I knew them and knew that there was no chance in hell we would work together. However, there were two names that I did not know on Hadassah's list. I ended up showing Natasha my e-mail and when she caught a glimpse of one of the names (unknown to me,) she absolutely FLIPPED out.

"OH MY GOD. ZACHARY? NO. NO. NO. Not gonna happen. HIM? Omgomgomg! EW! Absolutely NOT."

Um, not for Natalie.

I was actually alarmed by the look on her face. "What? Who is he?"

"He is one of the WORST people I have ever, EVER known. OMG. NO. You can't go out with him, you can't! What was she THINKING?"

Taking Natasha's flip-out seriously, I decided that unknown names from friends might be a bad idea in the long run. So no, I have not contacted any of the people that my friends recommended.

So I thought I would give the internet a try despite having a feeling that that was not the best idea either. I have always believed that the internet should only be used for shopping, facebook stalking and LOST theories... but never dating.
 
What does the internet know about dating anyway? I mean, it's a cold heartless machine with no emotions or thought. How can it possibly take two people and set them up? I don't know how or why people thought this would be a good tool. It's more like a weapon of mass destruction.

So, yes. I signed up for online dating. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea; I guess I have to go learn to fish right? Or not. Actually, not at all! I just have to log on to Mozilla and the internet does all the work for me. I fill out a simple questionnaire that asks hard hitting questions like, what is your favorite animal? And do you like tattoos? And for those of you who must know... dolphins and yes.

So there I am at 2AM filling out an online dating profile. Supposedly the questions asked are to aid in the programs "personality test." My results for this test were as about as vague as the finale of LOST. (Can you tell I'm a proud LOSTie?)

Back to the dating. I finish up my profile and I am immediately bombarded with messages from an adoring public. Messages like, "Hey there. You have a cute nose! Want to go out sometime? Take it easy lemon squeezy hahaha." (Seriously.)

The next message I clicked on just said: "Can I raise my eyebrow on you?"

Hmm. What does that mean? Is it supposed to turn me on? Because it's not working. Sorry... Shakenbake6969, I just don't think you're my soulmate.

I have to say some of the user names are as fascinating as the emails. For example: NiceRowndStud, thugBoo4lyfe and hart4rida... Who could resist?

I put on my profile that I like to cook and it is one of my interests, so what witty replies do I get from hungry men? "Foods always good! Send message if you like me."

Don't hold your breath.

And then there was the guy who said I was pretty and to please reply back to him because If I didn't that would be rude "...and just because you are cute and you have a full inbox; try NOT to be rude; reply back, please; If you are wondering; to be rude also means lacking in social refinement and implies ignorance of or indifference to good form; it may suggest INTENTIONAL discourtesy."

I never replied back to him.

I don't like being yelled at online. Especially by people I don't know. That's what family is for.

And of course if someone sends you a message, you have to check out their profile, right? And most of these profiles just have to be made up, but if they are in fact legitimate, well there's just no hope for the human species. At all.

Here is an example of what I am dealing with.

This is from a guy named Socretes09: "These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a great ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair. I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy - ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness--that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined."

Beautiful right?

Why, why can't it be this easy?

NO ONE normal talks this way.

So I message him asking if he is fake, (yeah, I really did.) Because who posts something like that on their profile? I googled the quote and sure enough, he is totally ripping off Bertrand Russell, the Nobel prize winning author, without even giving him credit. Who does that Socretes?

And last but not least, the last profile I checked out belonged to a fellow who described what he was looking for as follows:

"I am not in search of an ignoring, self center, egocentric, frenchify, bescumbering gal that has an excerebrose conclusion to dating a bad guy that will only use them for sexual copulation."

(Well he totally caught me, didn't he?)

The madness went on...

"Or IF you are seriously considering or "have FOUND" someone at this moment...
Stop wondering HOW GREEN the OTHER YARDS ARE... and focus on your lawn, that you have chosen for this moment, there is no need to be leading in a misdirection. BE HONEST AND CHANGE what you are looking for; plz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(get out of here and go enjoy some TIME WITH HIM!!!!!)

Look ma, no hands!

Uh, What?

These are answers to a basic question, which is "Where would you like to take me on a date?"

* My queen, I will take you to a Kung-Fu sparring match!!!!!

* A poetry reading. (Why do gay men look for women on the internet?)

* How about some tight rope walking?

* Sexy chica, we go salsa dancing Friday

Yeah, not really my thing.

Never-mind. I cannot be bothered, anyway there are plenty more messages to sort through, plenty of 'offers' if you will. I will save your eyes and ears and not mention the lovely R-rated ones here.

I think I officially hate this website now. Everyone seems to be related to Tim the Tool. So alas the online dating world has not worked out as well as I had hoped. It hasn't worked out yet I should say. Up next: J-Date!

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