The stress begins! There are already too many boxes of cereal and pasta in my cabinets. How will I do it... there's just no time!
It's 'Pesach Paranoia,' and every Jewish woman knows exactly where I'm coming from with this household horror.
Why does it have to be so stressful? Why can't it be easy so my feet don't threaten to swell at the ankles? Why does He make me suffer like this year after year after year?
Because I am a WOMAN!
Women take note: There's a reason that part of the morning prayers for Jewish men is 'THANK G-D, I'M NOT A WOMAN!'
For all we know, ALL men, Gentiles and Muslims included, are probably thinking the same thing! I'm sure Black men think that, as so many Black women spend so much time in hair salons. But that's not the point.
The point is I am at my wit's end! The Katz's won't come if the Rosenberg's are invited. The Rosenberg's won't come if the Rubinowitz's show up. I have drama... and Jewish drama is the WORST drama known to mankind!
Then, there's the list: Jews who are now Vegans won't eat meat and are offended that I eat dead animals. Last year they were soaking up gravy from my brisket with challah bread !
I have about 30 guests coming for my first night seder, and of course there are the non Jewish friends who invite themselves because: "I gotta see this at least once in my life!" See WHAT? See me stressing because my housekeeper can't see the difference between the meat and milk silverware when clearly the drawers are marked Dairy and Meat? I have to stress at Doheny Meats in Beverly Hills as the line is so long, it looks like a book signing for a Madonna sex guide.
I say this year I'm giving in and catering SOME food from La Gondola Restaurant in Beverly Hills!
I'm already done exhausted!
"They'll nevah know" as we say in Jersey. And of course, I'll be making my signature collard green matzo balls for my vegan and Black Jewish guests.
There is no prayer for women that say "G-d, make me a Jewish Super Hero! It's Pesach!" but I need to talk to my Rabbi about that one.
Only Jewish women know what REAL spring-cleaning is! And the MATZAH! OY! I eat so much and it's so good with butter and salt and I bloat and I bloat and I... digress.
Let me get out my feather and start getting busy... Pesach will be here in a NY minute and I have to give my housekeeper a quick lesson on WHY I can't HIDE waffles in the back of the freezer.
Jewish women... summon your strength! Get on your comfortable shoes and get ready... Pesach is coming so stress now, eat later.
And stay tuned to VirtualJerusalem... where we tell you like it is... and like it is going to BE!
