guide to the jewplexed

The Dangers From Space--A Jewish Response

Who could have imagined that the next big threat to the Jewish people would come from space?space

First, in Iran, the nuke-obsessed anti-Israel Admadinejad announced he personally wants to go into space, then in Siberia, the blast of fiery meteorite knocked out the stained glass windows of a synagogue.

So far, in the U.S. the ADL has been silent, and in Israel, not even a peep from Bibi. I can wait no longer, the cry must go up: What's a Jew to do to protect ourselves from the menace of space?

On Purim especially, how can we be eating triangular treats like hamantaschen when threats from space, both sentient and otherwise, this very moment are triangulating on our position?

Since we know that this new existential threat to Jewish life can come at any time and at any point on the globe, we need to develop an all-encompassing defensive strategy. With Israel's effective Iron Dome anti-missile-missile system too expensive and bulky to deploy everywhere, we need to develop an alternative Home Dome that is smaller and cheaper, perhaps even available through Groupon.

A people familiar with shields--the Mogen David is after all the "Shield of Israel"-- we should quite easily be able to draw upon our collective experience to invent the required hardware.

Off the top of my head...a kippah is a kind of shield, and since the material of the simple head covering could be modified--computer knit with air-jet spun yarn with a high twist density-- a skull cap might serve as a model for a personal shield. Certainly one could be made available for every Jew, but what if your beliefs tell you not to wear it, or you simply lose it under the cushion of your sofa?

Seriously, even if the kippah were made of lead, or some unpronounceable alloy, what protection could it possibly offer from massive hurtling space debris, or projectile Persian presidents?

What's called for is something identifiably Jewish that projects its own invisible force--something able to absorb massive amounts of kinetic energy as well as our weltschmerz. What about food?

Matzah, you would agree is too brittle-- though matzah brie left too long on a skillet can prove formidable--and challah even when stale is still not able to absorb the expected shock. Matzah balls, light and airy, we know, could absorb about anything, but in the wrong hands could become too heavy, sinking the entire enterprise.

Since Purim is a time when we seem to have repelled all threats, perhaps the food, most emblematic of that miraculous defense might prove a basis for our Home Dome.

The hamantaschen--a triangular pastry that comes with various fillings, and said to resemble the hat worn by the Purim story villain, Haman--presents a rigid geometry, similar to that used by world famous futurist and architect Buckminster Fuller in his geodesic domes.

As a wearable unit, a triangular-shaped personal space shield would be strong enough to repel most anything that outer or outre space could drop on it--that is if it had the right filling.

Though prune filling, as evidenced by some, has the ability to put mass in motion. Better yet, mohn, or poppy seed filling, being sticky and glue-like could absorb any shock, even trap it.

A wearable poppy seed filled hamantaschen hat, in addition to repelling meteorites and malevolent machers, would be a fashionably stunning protective platform when either going out, or staying in.

And in between cosmic threats, with little tea, it would always be good for dessert.

Edmon J. Rodman has written about making his own matzah for JTA, Jewish love music for the Jerusalem Post, yiddisheh legerdemain for the Los Angeles Jewish Journal, a Bernie Madoff Halloween mask for the Forward, and what really gets stuck in the La Brea Tar Pits for the Los Angeles Times. He has edited several Jewish population studies, and is one of the founders of the Movable Minyan, an over twenty-year-old chavura-size, independent congregation. He once designed a pop-up seder plate. In 2011 Rodman received a First Place Simon Rockower Award for "Excellence in Feature Writing" from the American Jewish Press Association."