Welcome back readers!!!  I have a gift for everyone; this week's story is quite the holiday heart warmer.

It begins as most of my stories do, with my friends at a late night party. This one happened to be an IDF fund raiser. The benefit was being held at an established nightclub in Hollywood, and I was excited! A promising night lay ahead filled with music, dancing and Israeli men...You see, I have a fond spot for Israeli men. Don't ask me why.

A few of my friends were in attendance including my best friend Natasha and her newly found, long lost third cousin four times removed, (honestly, it's true.) This was the first time we were all meeting Tim and he seemed like a nice guy. A brief description of Tim: he is ...huge. A very 'big' guy. Ahem. Let's just say he has the body of a grizzly bear with a healthy appetite and the face of a teddy bear in need of love.

On the dance floor, the Israeli men were putting in their best effort making clumsy attempts trying to DISCO DISCO with us. Mainly as a safety measure, our group decided that it would probably be best to form a dance circle. And so we did, all ten of us. Good times.

Somewhere in the middle of a Hebrew trance mix of the Macarena, I decide that I had taken a fancy to my friend's cousin. I have always had varying tastes in men to say the least, and he seemed interesting and fun. Plus for a guy his size, he was very light on his feet.

I turned to Natasha to tell her about my interest, hoping that she would help me out with him. After all, he was her long lost third cousin, four times removed, and she had known him for a good week, at least! Sure enough, the moment I tell her that I liked him, her eyes lit up with great excitement!

"You should dance with him!!!!" She yells over the music and noise.

I nod in reply. Sounds good to me! But before I have the chance to make my way over to Tim, a random stranger blocks my path and starts dancing with me in a manner that is reminiscent of a hen trying to lay an egg.

Who is this guy? I wonder as I try to sidestep him unsuccessfully. It's very strange. It seems like every time I try to make my way over to Tim, this dude keeps blocking me. What is going on? I go back to my friend and dance with her, she gives me a quizzical look, "dance with him!" she yells.

Well, uh....I'm trying. The next thing I know, Natasha seems to be pushing me towards the strange fellow. And now I am really confused. I look over and Tim is gone. Just super. I turn back to the dancing weirdo and smile awkwardly as I made a polite escape. I needed some air, he was weirding me out.

My group seemed to have vanished when the creepy one showed up, and after looking around for a few minutes, I finally found my friends on the roof. It was beautiful up there, there were lights and plush couches, and...are you kidding me?!? My stalker! How did he make it here before me? He is standing alone, probably searching for his next victim. Oh brother. I can't let him see me.

I grab my friend Liz and bolt to the bar in the opposite direction. I need a drink. Why do I already have a stalker? And why does he look like Woody Allen? Why do I never get the Johnny Depp or Matt Damon look-a-like stalkers?

The rest of my group finds their way over to where Liz and I are. Woody is loitering somewhere in the background. I am still trying to find Tim so I can make my move. I am also beginning to feel slightly irritated because I had no idea why Natasha was not helping me out.

I am about to remind her to do so when Woody appears and makes his next move. Oh God.

"Hi", he begins and I immediately zone out. Wow. I hate making conversation with people I know, why would I want to talk to a freaky stalker stranger?

But we somehow get through the usual small talk, where are you from, what do you do, blah blah blah. Don't ask me why, (because to this day I still have no idea,) but I continue talking to WoodyStalker, for a good twenty minutes. It must be because I am nice. Or else a complete glutton for punishment. Maybe both.

Maybe I shouldn't be complaining. I mean, hey, he even gave me a taste of his new material. Oh I forgot to tell you didn't I?! Woody is a comedian.

Or should we say that Woody is an... aspiring comedian.

Now what does that even mean? He explains to me that it is his true calling. Well who am I to judge?

After a horrible preview of his set, I judged. It was painfully bad. Almost as bad as the invitation to come out and see him anytime I like at some obscure comedy club in the valley of all places. Oh boy.

At this point I realized that I had just spent about an hour (an hour!!!!) of my life with a creepy aspiring comedian who was stalking me. It was time to bail. I politely excuse myself and search for my group. I am getting really annoyed at this point. They've obviously ditched me in the clutches of a complete weirdo. This is friendship? To add insult to injury, I cannot find Tim anywhere. This night is just deteriorating by the minute.

I finally found Natasha and Liz talking to each other. Everyone was hungry and plans were made for an after-party at Canters. Because that's how Jews roll you see. We do not find eating lox at 3AM remotely strange. In fact, at that moment, I found it comforting. I needed some lox and bagels to help me forget the last hour of my life.

I turn to Natasha to try to ask about Tim yet again and promptly shriek when I realize that Woody is now standing beside me once more. WHAT IS GOING ON? Why is this happening? How did he follow me? My brain is panicking, He's-back-SOS-Woody-is-back.

Well, FABULOUS.

"Let's go" I say to my friends, "Now."

"Hey, do you want to come to eat with us?!"

WHAT?

I stare at the scene in horror. WHY is Liz inviting my stalker to dinner?! What parallel universe of doom am I in?

"Yeah, great!" he replies as he pushes his glasses further up the bridge of his nose.

I'm in the Twilight Zone, right? Is this candid camera? When will Bob Saget come out and say I've won the $100,000 for having the funniest hidden camera video?

We make our way downstairs. I feel like I am on a death march. "I'll meet you there!" Woody proclaims excitedly as he leaves.

As soon as he turned the corner, I burst out with: "WHY DID YOU INVITE HIM TO DINNER?"

Liz looks at me in surprise. "Because you like him!"

I think I twitched. Not possible. "Why on earth would you think I like him?"

"Natasha told me!"

I will murder her.

I turned to Natasha and settled on a death glare. "WHY DO YOU THINK I LIKE HIM? WHERE IN THE WORLD DID YOU GET THAT IMPRESSION?!"

Now she is staring at me as if I am the one who is insane. "You told me you liked him!"

"I did NOT."

"You did! On the dance floor!"

She has obviously lost it.

"I never said I liked him Natasha!"

"But you DID! He was dancing behind you and you turned around and told me you liked him! Remember?! So I told you to go dance with him, and you did."

"Oh. My. God."

"Yeah! And then when we saw you on the roof, I told Liz you were interested in him, and I mean, because he looks so much like Josh Groban, I thought, you liked him."

"Josh Groban????!!!!"

(Proof Natasha is blind.)

"Yeah! With his... hair..." she trails off and gives me a strange look. "No?"

"JOSH GROBAN? Natasha! Do you even know who Josh Groban is or what he looks like?!!! Because he looks nothing like stalker boy who is the spitting image of WOODY ALLEN! When I said I liked him, I didn't mean HIM! I meant your COUSIN TIM!"

I believe Shakespeare wrote about this, A Comedy of Errors it was entitled.

"Oh. " Exclaims Natasha. "Oh no!" Then: "Tim, really? You like Tim?"

"Natasha!"

"What?!"

The rest of our group shows up. I am obviously fuming and Natasha looks slightly horrified. Tim smiles at me, "What's going on?"

"NOTHING!" We all screamed in unison.

"Well," Liz says brightly. "We could always just go to another restaurant."

"Great idea!" I exclaim. But Natasha's bleeding heart got the best of her. She nearly threw a fit. "We can't do that! How would you feel if someone did that to you?!"

Oh brother. Of all the times that she chooses to start being considerate she picks the night I have the geeky stalker from hell. But there was no arguing with her at this point. If we did stand him up, I was certain I'd be haunted by guilt for all eternity.

So instead we headed out to enjoy a night of pastrami, waffle sundaes, and...Woody Allen.

We arrived to find that he had already reserved us a beautiful booth with a table attached so all our party will fit. I felt bad again. (does this ever stop?) Maybe he is a nice person with a really good heart!

Twelve bad jokes and a horrible attempt at a come on later, I remembered what I saw in this guy to begin with: a remarkably geeky lookalike with terrible material.

I've since blocked out the rest of the evening from my memory, although I do remember more than a few awkward silences from the table. I think even Natasha started to wish that we had stood him up after all. Oh yes, and I also found out that Tim actually knew all along that I liked him...

But that is another story....

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